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Klarer du å lese denne uten å le, er du god. (eller dårlig i engelsk;)

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Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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hahaha :D

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Jeg har studert i Tulsa Oklahoma og ja det er nok slik ja :)

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Og den vanvittige mengden med BBQ sauce som skal på overalt da.. "Hey ya'll, wanna try out some of this?".

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Det var sykt notfunny at all, så jeg er vel god eller dårlig i engelsk selv om jeg forstod alt.

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Texas chilli er jo godt det, men de sterkseste er ikke for norske ganer. Bruk ev. denne sausen for

selvmord av smaksløkene :p


Det er jo mange som er er sterkere enn den :p For eksempel så har den der bare i overkant av 1 million "scoville units" på "hotranken"..

http://extremefood.com/shop/home.php finner man den heiteste som er ranka på 16 millioner "scoville units" :p

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Det er bare tull. Så langt jeg vet så er det ingen pepper som er ranket 16 millioner. Den høyeste er 2 mill som er Trinidad Moruga Scorpion

Det finnes kjemikaler derimot som er opp i 16 millard (16,000,000,000) på scoville scale.

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Glemmer ikke når jeg spiste noe sterkt greier på en øde øy i thailand. Jeg svettet så mye av den maten at man skulle tro jeg hadde vært i dusjen. Dagen derpå så gikk jeg rundt i byen sammen med en kamerat og handlet.

Jeg går forbi et speil og blir helt sjokkert over hva jeg ser i speilet:

(Jeg så akkurat ut som dette, øynene var så hovna at det så ut som jeg hadde gått 12 runder boksing og tapt)


Snur meg og sier til kameraten min "Ehhh er det noe unormalt med ansiktet mitt ?????"

Neste som skjer er at han faller på bakken i latterkrampe. Jaja etter den hendelsen så har jeg holdt meg langt unna sterk mat. Fuck that!

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